I [am] queer, polyamorous, and an ally.
National Coming Out Day was October 11th, but along with traditional notions of gender and sexuality, I reject traditional notions of what day it is. Ha.
Actually, I was just reading Rebecca’s coming out post and all the comments, and was inspired to make a post of my own.
What I mean by “I am queer” is actually that I resist the social pressure to identify as anything in particular with respect to my sexuality or gender. I don’t feel the need to “be” heterosexual, bisexual, or even pansexual, especially on a consistent basis from one moment to the next. I would also rather not define myself in gendered terms much of the time. Other times I enjoy engaging in the game of masculinity and femininity.
By polyamorous I basically mean that I don’t want any rules for my relationships other than those determined by the participants in those relationships. Monogamy is just one of the rules that I don’t often find very useful or appealing.
The reason that I say I’m an ally is that I support the struggle(s) of marginalized groups—of all people who resist or are denied access to hegemonic identity structures and privileges. This means I do my best to challenge and to support those oppressed by sexism, racism, heterosexism, religious prejudice and other social inequalities. Despite the above, it is very easy and habitual for me to present as a heterosexual male, and I have the slightly dubious privilege of being white and middle class. Thus I don’t claim to truly understand what it means to be marginalized. There is a lot I still don’t know about the structures of oppression in my society, how I unknowingly perpetuate them, and how best to join the fight against them. But I’m trying to learn, and I’m immensely grateful for the guidance I’ve received from my queer and/or female friends, for what bloggers like brownfemipower and everyone at The Angry Black Woman have shared, and for the past and (especially) future comments and contributions of my readers here.
So, what about you?
November 11th, 2008 at 2:03 am
> National Coming Out Day was October 11th, but along with traditional notions of gender and sexuality, I reject traditional notions of what day it is. Ha.
I cracked up when I read this.
Just wanted to say Hi. Glad to see you blogging.
November 11th, 2008 at 2:31 am
No, wait! Here’s a comment with content!
> I resist the social pressure to identify as anything in particular with respect to my
> sexuality or gender. I don’t feel the need to “be” heterosexual, bisexual, or even
> pansexual, especially on a consistent basis from one moment to the next.
I grok this and agree with you on a fundamental level. However, I feel it’s also important simultaneously to stay conscious, regardless of how I identify or don’t identify “personally,” of how important and powerful a political act it is to identify publically. I think this is what Coming Out Day, and coming out in general, is about. Naming things gives them power – in this case, power directed at ultimately dismantling (or at least stretching) the system that necessitates the naming in the first place. So, that’s fun. But we’re not always there yet; I think some shouting, “We’re Here! We’re queer! Get used to it!” is still in order.
Anyway, my point is, I think there’s a time and a place for nuanced qualification, and there’s a time and a place to simply stand up with our allies, arm-in-arm, and say resoundingly, “Yes. Me too.” The trick is, I believe, to find the balance in my soul that allows me to genuinely live “the personal is political” in a powerful way without allowing the political to consume and crystalize the personal.
December 4th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Because, of note, choosing to not to identify with heterosexuality while in a heterosexual relationship is an artifact of straight privilege, as choosing not to identify with masculinity or femininity when you’re cis-gendered.
Which isn’t to say that those couldn’t be instances of privilege used to subvert oppression, but they are expressions of privilege, nevertheless.
December 9th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Points taken.
This post was an attempt to strike that very balance that you (Rebecca) are talking about. This blog is expressly (at least now) a place for nuanced qualification, for deconstructing rhetoric and praxis that I generally agree with–as well as sometimes the other kind. I certainly affirm the practice of coming out, which is why the stuff in big letters is in big letters and the stuff in small letters is in small letters.
I am also attempting to let go of a little bit of the privilege that you (Violet) point out, by publicly identifying as queer when I could just as easily not say anything out loud. Most of my relatives that I have regular contact with have this address. Still, I recognize that to even have that choice is a privilege. No one is going to come up and ask me, “So, are you a boy or a girl?,” even if they do have the mildly irksome tendency to call my skirts kilts. (This is also, I suppose, a reflection on my choice of skirts.)
Anyway, I appreciate your clarifications, and agree with both of them. If there’s something else I’ve missed, please let me know.
December 16th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Fair point. This touched some nerves – the one it was meant to touch, obviously, and a couple of others I wouldn’t have expected. I need to think on this for a while.
January 19th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
[...] Asa’s Coming Out Day post and Violet’s comments in the thread brought a lot of this (and other stuff) up for me. I may [...]